One Month: The Hard Stuff

I wrote a whole post last night and then decided to go to bed before it was really finished. Because I am tiiiiirrrred. Obviously. Anyone with a newborn is tired. I don’t really have much more to say on that topic because it is kind of given. Although somehow I am not as exhausted as I expected I would be. We are happy that he is a good sleeper. The only reason I am up at night is to feed him every 2-4 hours.

Which brings me to the next hard part:

Breastfeeding.

It’s more difficult than the labor and delivery were for me. And we aren’t even having any problems. Baby Benton is a good eater, and he latches well most of the time. I haven’t had the pain that many women experience. My supply is fine. Everything is working perfectly which I am extremely grateful for. But somehow it is still hard for me even though everything is working well. I admire any woman who has struggled through any of the issues listed here yet still perseveres through them to feed her baby. Because honestly? I am not sure I would have the will to continue.

I’m sure I will eventually get used to this new demand on my body, and I know that newborns feed more frequently than older babies. I am also glad I can provide a custom meal that is healthiest thing in the world for my little guy. And it’s a fabulous bonus that breastfeeding is cheap and there aren’t any dishes in the sink.

But people, it is HARD. He feeds ALL THE TIME. It takes more dedication than I ever imagined, and I’m just not loving it like many moms do.

Will that change? For those of you that have been there before, did your attitude about it shift over time? Did you grow to love the experience? I don’t hate it or anything, I guess I was expecting it to be more of an incredible bonding experience and less like a shark feeding frenzy. Am I alone here?

I want so badly to love it, but I can’t fake that.

So is there any other hard stuff worth noting? Nothing directly related to the baby I supposed. But there is my weight. I’m feeling so bad about my weight for the first time in my life. I’ve always been a thin to average girl, and now I am clearly overweight. I gained 60 lbs over the pregnancy.

SIXTY.

POUNDS.

GAH.

So, yeah. That sucks. I have already lost 26 of those pounds by doing nothing, and I am hoping the last half comes off with the help of some exercise and good eating. I plan to get serious after the 6wk post partum appointment.

My pelvis is also somewhat destroyed, and I need to get that fixed as well. I am still walking like a woman who is 46 months pregnant.

So to sum it up, I don’t even recognize my poor post partum body, and we are not friends. The goal is to be happy with myself again and regain some confidence about how I look. Because how I feel about myself physically is dreadful at best.

It is strange that I have never been more happy with my life as I am now, yet at the same time, I have never been so unhappy with my body.

So there you have it. My one month woes. Luckily the sunshine is way brighter than the clouds in my sky. I’ve got it pretty good. But it is safe to say that I need a little support  from those who have been there before. Please tell me the dark spots will brighten.

Thanks in advance for being there for a fat and wobbly new mama with a baby stuck to her boob.

And just so this isn’t all sad, here is a picture of a belly button with eyes.

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18 responses to “One Month: The Hard Stuff

  1. You will start to love it. I promise. It’s hard at first, really hard, because you’ve just spent nine months giving your body to another human and now that same human still wants your body? RUDE. For me, I really started to love it around 8-12 weeks with Luke. With Tommy, I loved it from the get go, because I vowed to not stress as much the second time around. But the thing about nursing when they’re older is that it gets really cool, because they’re not doing it constantly… but when they are doing it, it means they’re snuggling in your arms, which gets less frequent the bigger they get. It’s good, I promise.

  2. I disliked breastfeeding for a long time. I think I started to like it better around 2 or 3 months when he was nursing left often. Those first 6-10 weeks are HARD.

    As for the weight, I feel you there too. Breastfeeding may help. I gained probably 40-50 lbs and lost it in a year doing nothing; the last 10-12 lbs took me 6 or 8 months though. It was depressing for awhile though, and I think I’ll try to work out harder this time around, but when breastfeeding you still have to eat extra to produce milk. So, I think my plan will be to cut out all the sweets but not watch calories or something like that.

    Good luck! 🙂

  3. Man, the first 6 weeks were a blur of tears and pain and tears and more pain because I was just trying to ‘OMGFEEDMYBABYPUMPFEEDMYBABYPUMPFEEDMYBABY’ without sticking my head in the oven. Once I let go of the pressure to do things a certain way, things got a whole lot better.

    Obviously, NOT saying you should quit bf’ing. No no no. No. Just saying it will get better. It will. It really really will.

    If it hadn’t gotten better, I wouldn’t be pregnant with our 2nd. Not exaggerating.

    The body/weight issues take a bit longer. I lost all of my pregnancy weight within weeks, but I never went back to my pre-pregnancy size. Most would agree that’s because my pre-pregnancy size was pretty much the shape of a prepubescent boy, and birthing a child gave me some hips. But it sucked having to buy jeans in a whole new size. Actually, I struggled with this up until I got pregnant with this one. And I’m sure I’ll struggle with it after she’s born, too.

    But I mostly have days where I’m totally okay with it and am actually quite proud of what my body did.

    Hang in there, girl. You are doing quite amazing.

  4. Dude, bfing is hard, really freakin’ hard. Every day you feed your baby should be celebrated. And when you’re ready to stop, you’ll know. I’ve been learning this (the hard way) over the past 7.5 months, and it’s quite a journey.

    Oh, and you’re doing a great job. 🙂

    KSB
    P.S. Don’t worry about your weight until the pelvic issues are taken care of….one thing at a time.

  5. I think you’re doing such an amazing job already! I am just a few more weeks away from calving myself… so I have no advice besides from the “don’t give up” cheer….but I love what you have to say. I think most women have similar struggles/worries/concerns as you do…and I love knowing that once I get there, IF I have similar struggles/worries/concerns, I wont feel alone. I guess that’s the most important thing…knowing that you aren’t alone. Love the belly button face. So cute! ps. The weight. OMG. The weight. I hate thinking about it already… it makes me cringe.

  6. I so relate to your writing Megan. I was barely 18 when my son David was born. Breastfeeding was not in vogue at that time. There was no teaching on the subject. And later, when my daughter came along, I had hoped it would be possible to breast-feed. But my last attempt of trying breastfeeding was like watching the docking of the Hindenburg! Her little arms outstretched opened wide, her little head disappearing as I tried one more time to breastfeed. Alas, I was unsuccessful. While in a present weekly class, called The Happiness Experiment; I relate to you a truth. A healthy self-perception of your body directly affects one’s happiness. The Motherhood journey took months to complete. Therefore, the return will also take months as well. The importance of seeing the beauty in the journey, or Daily Pictures of Happiness along the way, enhances the experience. Sending you warm thoughts of being in the moment on your way.

  7. Breastfeeding a newborn is a little like a shark feeding frenzy. Mine ate a lot and noisily and then barfed it up all over me. But it gets better around the 2 month mark. Definitely by 3 months he won’t be eating as often and he’ll be bigger and doing more of the positioning work for you, which makes the cradle hold more comfortable and the Boppy less necessary.

    I’ll bet you good money that you’ll be crying when you finally do wean (or he weans himself, if that’s they way you roll).

  8. Re: breastfeeding
    Yeah, it takes a while to get used to. We finally got into a groove and then around 4-5 weeks the baby went through a growth spurt and ate EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR. Nobody told me ahead of time about growth spurts and I felt chained to the couch and my Boppy and I didn’t shower for something like six days. That was… not good. I wish someone would have warned me that they do that, and then they go back to eating every two hours (or whatever their norm was before). And maybe insisted on holding the baby so I could take a shower since I was clearly not thinking straight. So yes! Breastfeeding is an adjustment, but I think it starts feeling less crap around six weeks or so. (Also… you don’t have to love it. Some people don’t.)

    Re: Postpartum body
    Yes, this is hard. I also gained sixty pounds while pregnant, but I was overweight to begin with. By about 30lbs. So… I have a lot to lose. I had pre-eclampsia and swelled up horribly at the end of my pregnancy so I lost roughly 30lbs of water weight in two weeks and then have lost a grand total of FOUR POUNDS since then. So yes, I sympathize. I am told nine months on, nine months off, and that breastfeeding helps.

    All this to say: I hear you. It will get better. And you are doing a great job! And you have a totally adorable baby!

  9. oh, the time thing. i was SO not prepared for how much *time* breastfeeding takes in the first few months. i feel like all i did for four months was watch tv trapped under my boppy. i like what meggan said, you don’t have to love it. some women don’t. maybe you’re one of them. but it does get MUCH easier/faster.

    around 8 months jude started fussing after only ten minutes of nursing and i thought, “kid, what the crap is wrong with you, eat your food!” and tried to get him to eat over and over again which led to more screaming. turns out, around that age they can drink as much as a newborn and do both sides in ten minutes flat. he was actually done and i just didn’t get it. so it gets faster, much faster. you won’t be chained down forever.

    i’m not a lot of help on the body thing, just know that really, TIME is what you need. it will take time, time for you to adjust to your new body, time to lose weight. things are just so… different, afterwards. it feels like living inside a stranger. that gets better too.

  10. Your honesty is so refreshing. Isn’t it even harder when no one tells you this stuff, you feel so blindsided? I dealt with all the issues you didn’t, like the pain, low supply, etc. I still sometimes worry about this supply thing, it’s hard when you don’t know what’s causing something & how to fix it. I will say bf has gotten easier, and we’re now at the 2 month mark. I do love being close w/my baby, but the time suckage is so new to me. I’m still trying to get over this “body is not just mine thing” and how committed you need to be. Also, I have one of those babies who not only needs to nurse constantly, but needs the comfort and cannot self-soothe (at least not yet) and fall asleep w/o the boob. Things are good, I can’t really complain, but like you, hoping they get better soon…good luck & keep up the good work!
    PS. I typed this w/one hand. Getting so good at that these days 🙂

  11. Everything will get easier, I promise (though I only struggled with breastfeeding until 6 weeks (sucky supply) so I can’t really say anything for sure about that) But the body thing? The energy thing? It will all come back. It TOTALLY doesn’t seem like it will right now, I know, but it does. And then you do it all over again 😉

  12. a) congrats on your baby b) love your honesty in this post
    The breastfeeding thing? That was my one big shock that no one told me about–that a baby EATS ALL THE TIME. You read in the books every 2-3 hours. But paaallleease. It is constant and I wish someone would have told me. Hang in there. It WILL get easier. I’m getting ready for my second baby due beginning of October, and I am prepping myself mentally for the BF thing. I loved BFing my first, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t challenging. Again, hand in there. And keep kissing that adorable squishy baby of yours.

    p.s. The belly face is so funny!
    p.p.s. So I don’t look like a total freak, since I have never commented before, I saw your tweets and decided to check ya out. And I think I like you. 🙂

  13. Oh my goodness.

    I don’t want to scare you, but I will just be real and say that for me, until I stop breastfeeding (which is a really long a** time) I don’t feel like my true self, with my real body back to normal and etc, but I also remember that euphoria of the first month, and then the awesomeness of each month after. It’s all so good.

    Also, it is so good you are being honest and telling it like it is.

    Steph

  14. In my experience, with both babies, breastfeeding did get easier. My girl is nine weeks and is finally turning the corner from eating ALL THE TIME. That doesn’t mean there won’t be days when you feel like you’ve sprouted a fifteen pound growth on your boob, but he will probably regulate his feeding schedule. You will, in all likelihood, get used to the feeding as well. It is demanding and it is hard being the one solely responsible for feeding the baby, but you’ll adjust!

    As for the weight, well no one expects someone who had a baby a month ago to be back to their pre-pregnancy size. At all. That said, I get how frustrating it is. BELIEVE ME. I get it.

  15. Baby weight is just so wrong. Women who have just had babies have so much on their plates but to add in the sadness of hating the way you look is just not right. But please know, you are not alone in this and it does take a lot of time. I’m still, four months later, trying to find skirts to cover my baby weight and I’m aware of it way too much. but also, I love ice cream.

    Anyway. There is a whole rediscovery period coming your way and it’s pretty cool. Be nice to yourself. You’ll get there and you’ll soon forget ever feeling so down about this.

    P.S. You are stunning.

  16. Pingback: One Month: The Good Stuff and The Hard Stuff

  17. Oh gosh, I so remember that feeling about breastfeeding in the beginning. It was just NONSTOP. We would nurse, sometimes it’d take 45 minutes, then about half an hour after we’d finished, she’d want to nurse again. We had latch issues/cracking etc on top of it…so not the dreamy, lovey experience people talk about when they was poetic about breastfeeding. But. But! Now my little one is seven months old (tomorrow! sniff, where has the time gone?) and I promise you, it gets MUCH better. I was just thinking today as I watched her little face as she nursed, how much I *love* it now and how glad I am we stuck with it. It got way easier and more enjoyable for us around the two month mark. Hang in there!! It only gets easier and more enjoyable.

  18. You are hilarious and wonderful in your brazen honesty. XXOO

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