But What If He Runs For Office?

And then someone pulls up this post out of the archives? And is like “Senator Boley, is it true that one time you didn’t poop for 15 days in the summer of 2010?” Dear God, I hope he doesn’t hate me for this.

Before becoming a mom, I SWORE I would never post about baby poop. *hides*

For some reason, the internet has taken an interest in Baby B’s bowel movements, or lack there of. I have been doing a countdown (count-up?) for the last two weeks because at 6 weeks of age, he decided he doesn’t give a crap. Literally.

Since this is my first baby, I have not yet had the joy of becoming an expert of baby BM. I didn’t know that it is normal for some exclusively breastfed infants to space out their little baby poops for days and even weeks. After two weeks, it kind of needs to happen, or as a mom you just go crazy more than anything. because it’s just TOO WEIRD. Luckily he wasn’t acting uncomfortable and his belly wasn’t distended or anything.

Much advice has been thrown my way on the subject. Ideas for things for me to eat or drink to change his backed-up situation. Even things to make him drink. Thermometers in places where the sun don’t shine.

Then all of a sudden we were on day 15. And there are way too many emails in my inbox with the subject line “baby poop.” What is happening to me?!

Gross, right?

The pediatrician recommended Fleets Infant Glycerin suppositories. There is no medicine in them, just a bit of goo to make things go. So this morning I got dressed up real nice and put the baby in a pretty silk sling. We rode the train for the first time together to get our supplies.

Once we were back at home and Baby B had his lunch, we went to the changing area to perform poopstravaganza 2010. I live tweeted it here:

So there you have it, right? All you need to know.

WRONG. I take a 30 minute break from Twitter to recover from the poopapocalypse (formerly poopstravaganza) and I come back to find multiple inquires for details on what went down. I guess “OMG” and “OHHHHHhhh MYyyyy” were not descriptive enough for the Twitterverse.

This is just one example of one such inquiry. So by popular request, here is how it went:

You administer the glycerin into clogged baby bum. Not nitroglycerin. (But it basically has the same effects.) The applicator makes it easy to do, so any silly new mom (me) can do it without peril. A surprisingly small amount goes a long way apparently.

Then you wait.

Then you text husband cute picture of said wait:

Extra paper towel under bottom. Larger than usual diaper from a batch that was gifted to us is placed on the baby bum.

Then no more than 5 minutes later, the gruntasaur became the loudest gruntasaur you have ever heard. His little face looked up at me like “WHYYyyyyy? What is happening to me? Mom! What is going on?!?” My heart broke for my poor little guy.

I massaged his belly and then let him grip my forefingers with his little fists. He cried and then over-filled his large diaper with 8 days of baby poop. And not nice breastfed poop. RANK OLD MILK WEIRD POOP. I cleaned him up quickly without spilling it (yes–spilling) and got another diaper on and waited three more minutes. REPEAT. 7 more days of poop. RANK. GAG. The worst. It was just as dramatic as you would think it might be. No, there is not a picture. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Poor guy. I felt so bad for him. I don’t know how I will handle things when he is actually sick. It is so tough to see him in any pain at all. How do parents with chronically ill kids do it?

He quit crying immediately after I picked him up to tell him it was over, and he was going to be OK.

And then he was.


19 responses to “But What If He Runs For Office?

  1. Awwwwww poor guy! I haven’t experienced this with my little one but don’t look forward! Many snuggles and kisses his way…

  2. I don’t know whether to applaud or retch.

    Poor little guy. Poor you! Because that’s a thousand shades of wrong.

  3. I just started reading your blog today and I have to say you are a great writer and not just about poop! Your other entries have been great as well! Funny with just the right amount of detail…even about the poop. That’s weird, isn’t it? Hmmmm….

  4. I absolutely love your blog, your Benton, and your writing!
    “not nitro-glycerine” LOL!

  5. Well, you are just too cute Benton! See? Some things are best let go of, like poo. Happy to hear Mommy helped you feel better. She’s doin’ real fine, isn’t she? She’s a keeper! Hey listen Benton (this is just between me and you, right?) You seem to be doing everything right since you came along. But I was wondering, how did you do that picture of you standing on the couch? Some kind of black wires, or flying apparatus, right? You can tell me,I won’t give away your secret. Or just wait until Mom and Dad are asleep, and get online. I’ll be waiting. bye for now, Gramma Carole

  6. Ohhh boy the poop post! HAHA! I just joined in because it seemed fun, and yes, we were curious dammit! Moms want to know this stuff, don’t ask me why we somehow become mesmerized by baby poop it just happens! Thanks for the funny explanation. I hope poor Benton is feeling better now!! 🙂

  7. I could SMELL the diaper while reading this. Not because the smell is so strong that it wafted down my way, but because the rank old milk smell? I remember it well. I bet I could even describe the color and consistency. For your sake (and his!), I hope this doesn’t become a habit!

  8. Poor baby. Poor mama. This is just the first of many posts (and topics) you never thought you’d write about, I’m afraid.

  9. welcome to motherhood. now you’re officially in the club. something disgusting and horrible happens before they mail you your pin and badge.

    and blogging about poop is totally ok, as long as there is an awesome story to go along with it. just don’t post, “hi, i’m megan. today, i pooped. and the baby pooped.” because that would just be awkward.

    who am i kidding, i would still read it, probably.

  10. I died reading this! and am now so happy that Mia is a pooping maching bc that may have been just too much for this new mama.
    Mia does have a cold right now however- so I now know that when Benton gets his first cold you will write all about your new obsession with snot.

  11. I am super glad you posted this, otherwise my cheer would have just seemed weird. Now I get to be normal!

    Poor little B, it was time for all that crapola to come out though. I remember waiting anxiously for Isobel’s poop, and if she went a couple days I’d start to freak out.

    I’m going to refer to your baby as “Senator Boley” or just “The Sentaor” from now on.

  12. this is the most disturbing yet hilarious post i’ve ever read. i’m glad he is finally cleaned out.

  13. i’m commenting on baby poop. i’m so a mom. or a weirdo. or both. yeah, both. anyway, this post was great, in a gross, oh my gosh, i don’t want to imagine it sort of way. 🙂 you are a great writer! if you can write about poop and make it this good, you have a gift, my friend. 🙂

  14. glad this worked! i remember it all too well! even the diapers. oh my goodness, i remember. hope he realizes how much better it feels to not have to keep doing this now!

  15. those glycerin suppositories are the best, i always recommend them, i’m glad you found them.

  16. Funny how things change when you have a child. When whether or not they have pooped is all you have on the brain it is pretty impossible not to tweet about it! 🙂

  17. this may be the most ridiculous post i’ve ever read, and i love it. and i usually dispise poo posts;)

    (also, moobs?! out of control adorable!)

  18. (New reader here…)

    This post had me cracking up. Especially the “What is happening to me?” Bwahaha!

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