Spring is busting out all over. I have almost forgiven Chicago for such a long winter. She takes my breath away when she is in full bloom.

I celebrated my first Mother’s Day with my little family in the sun. It was perfect. All the iPhone photos we took depicted the most amazing spring outing together. Everything all in a row and lovely. It was.

Even though it all seems like a fairytale life, I don’t want to project that image all the time. I don’t mean to say that life isn’t good, because it is. It appears especially good on the surface. On paper. In photos. In this blog. But there is certainly a balance.

Staying home and watching Benton turn from a baby into a kid before my eyes is a blessing. It’s truly the best job I have had, even though I am never off the clock. I am capable of feeling more love and joy than I could have ever imagined. I feel lucky. I do. This is why I don’t like to voice my sorrows or struggles. It makes me appear ungrateful.

I hate being a complainer, especially when I have it so “good.” But I give 125% of myself everyday, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t like asking for help, even though I could use it. I hate to admit that I can’t do it all and my perfectionism is often a curse.

I don’t like admitting that I have been struggling with anxiety in the middle of the night. That I have conversations in my head in the early morning hours that would not be considered remotely pleasant. That I worry about things in the dark that would never be given a second thought in the light of day. That I often feel alone, even when I am never actually by myself.

I have started talking about these things with other moms who have been through similar things. It is helping. If you are one of the ladies I have been conversing with on this subject, thank you so much. It means the world to me.


13 responses to “Pleasantries

  1. The Nighttime In The Head conversations are the worst. I have had them and I am not a fan.

    I’m glad you have lady friends to hash it out with.

  2. Your boy is so cute. I keep saying that because it keeps being true.

    I’m so glad you are talking to people about what is going on with you. That is huge. I am also glad it is helping.

  3. just because it’s perfect, and lovely, doesn’t mean it has to be that way all the time, you know what i mean?

    like for me working is good, it’s the right choice. but i can’t say that there aren’t times that i hate all my mom friends who complain while they get to stay home because the jealousy eats me up inside and i don’t want to tell anyone. but then i think and really, even if i didn’t have to work (which i do. HAVE TO.) i still would. because i like it. it’s a delicate balance of sanity. sigh.

  4. You are doing an awesome job with that little guy. 🙂 Sounds like you had a perfect Mothers Day!

    I am all too familiar with night time anxiety… I had to get a prescription for the panic attacks I get every now and then (haven’t taken it for several months now, knock on wood), but for the most part I’m dealing with it on my own, trying to de-stress and keep my brain from running away into darker places. Talking with friends always helps–I’m glad you have support, and I hope your nights get easier soon!

  5. I just love you. xoxoxo

  6. I don’t remember how I found your blog, but I’m so glad I did.

    I, too, have the night time (and sometimes day time) anxiety, but I sorta thought it was just me. To hear that others are experiencing the same thing lets me breathe a little sigh of relief. Thank you so much for this post.

  7. You’re going to get through this.

    I’m here for you.

  8. Happy 1st Mother’s Day. Your pictures are beautiful.

    It’s funny how everyone reminds new mothers about postpartum depression or anxiety or baby blues right after the baby is born but then it’s rarely mentioned again. I had no problems in the beginning but when Elise turned 9 months — just when I “had this parenting this down” — I started struggling, too. And you hear all these cliches about the importance of taking time for yourself and having dates with your husband — I found them annoying but I also found them true.

    Take care of yourself. I’m here for you. xoxo

  9. i’m glad you had such a great first Mother’s Day! i love the photos you take and you know how much i want to eat your son… *creepy internet friend* but sorry to hear about your troubles. 😦 if Ryan didn’t work from home, i think i would have a really hard time, even though Sonora’s a good baby. it’s just tough being “on call” all the time. but having him around definitely helps and i’m taking advantage as much as possible since it won’t be this way with kiddo #2. but i’m glad you have people to talk with about this stuff – SO important. love from CO. glad you have support in Chicago.
    (also? i’m meeting you in June. i must.)

  10. i’m so glad you are talking to people. that truly makes all the difference in the world. i hope that you are able to get some relief, xo.

  11. I find it interesting sometimes that we can put a certain image out here on the internet that everything is just “peachy” all the time but the fact of the matter is, we are only human and that’s just not the case.

    Talking is so good. Suffering in silence is not. I’m glad you know to keep the conversation going.

    Beautiful photos.

  12. Ever since hearing these words, long ago, I have kept them in my heart.
    “There is no perfection on the human level.”
    Keeps me humble, helps me cut myself some slack when it’s needed.
    Megan, You’re already smart enough to talk about these things with other peers. And by not isolating, and keeping social, you show wisdom in these choices.
    No mother can do it all by herself, I know this from being a single mother most of my life. From what you have shared thus far, Benton will have an excellent foundation to build his life on. Keep writing, keep moving forward, and keep savoring every day. Happy First Mother’s Day !

  13. BEAUTIFUL pictures.

    Anxiety is a nasty beast. I need other moms too.

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