Benton Benjamin Button

It is well-known by Benton’s relatives, buddies, and interweb fans, that he is a SERIOUS baby. Like Godfather serious.

This baby is an old man. Or at least an old soul that has decided to return for another round of life. This man has worked in coal mines and railroads. He’s bounced great grandchildren on his one good knee since he probably lost the other leg in a war. He’s seen things, you know?

We are honored to be the ones to raise him this time around. I hope we don’t disappoint. But so far he is just so judgey with that face. THE FACE IS ALWAYS WATCHING.

So how do you coax a smile from such a furrowed creature? Acting ridiculous may work. He will occasionally grin at the silly adult humans who think he doesn’t know anything more than what any other 7-week-old would know. He chuckles at us fools, who are ignorant of the vast wisdom that he has collected throughout the ages.

The hard set jaw cracks. Out comes pure joy.

It makes you wonder how anyone could possibly go on to be a bad person if they have ever successfully coaxed a smile out of a baby. Everyone on earth should stop what they are doing, find the closest baby, and make him smile. Then they are allowed to carry on with their silly business. I swear things would improve in no time. How can anything go wrong when smiling babies become our tiny overlords.*

For a week or so, Benton’s smiles were very shy. Justin was the only one who could prompt them. How rude. I am the one with the food! And yet he was all business with his mom.

I haven’t shared many photos of us together because I am horribly camera-shy with all this extra weight. But I do have some photos of mama time, because it would be too sad to look back and be absent from all the captures.

This is one of our first moments together. He has changed SO MUCH already. How am I already nostalgic looking at this photo that was taken just last month?

I think I have actually shared this one before, but it was one of our first days at home. My nose is still pregnant. He is such a tiny bean here.

Bath time! Complete with a furrowed brow of course. Please notice that my nose is no longer pregnant here. I'm so proud.

But the mama moment that tops them all so far is getting him to smile. He loves to look into our wall of circle mirrors with me. It is almost a sure way to get the old man to grin. *splode*

*I realize that there can only be one tiny (toddler) overlord. And her name is Isobel. We will all do her bidding.

Pontoon Buffoonery

How amazing is it to think that one day you will have grandchildren. Mind blowing, eh?

What about GREAT grandchildren? It is something I can’t really wrap my mind around. I just can’t.

This week, Benton met his Great Grandma Helen Benton Boley up at her beautiful house in Madison, Wisconsin. They got along splendidly. I have the proof right here:

This was Benton’s second road trip. Again, the destination was to see a great grandparent. So being a wise little soul, he behaved like an angel in the during the long car ride.* But road trips make a new human tired. There is a lot of new information to process. Luckily, Great Grandma Helen has a huge napping couch.

Can you tell this child has no interest in swaddling? He is spraw-to-the-waw as we say here.

Hey Mr. Benton, try looking more like a SERIOUS MIDDLE AGED MAN. Goodness.

I much prefer Baby B to Mr. Benton.

Since Helen lives on a lake, we decided that we should have lunch on the water and then ride her Pontoon. Named Pontoon Buffoonery. Yes indeed.

Usually I wear him in the Moby when we are out to eat, but he was tired of getting fries in his hair. Dad kept an eye on little one and a hand on a Bloody Mary. Because it was a Thursday after all.

First boat ride! Woot!

First diaper change on a boat! Woot!

Apparently, pontoon riding is SERIOUS business for Mr. Benton Wilford Brimley Boley.

*splode*

*All angelic car behavior is subject to how fast the car is moving. Chicago rush hour traffic on the way home was HORRIBLE. So yeah. Angry baby. Also? Angry mama. No one likes rush hour. Traffic is dumb.

What Are We Even Doing?

This post is mostly for the grandmas and great grandmas. (How awesome is it to have great grandmas that read blogs?!) This is also for those of you who somehow care what we are doing from minute to minute. Which means you probably follow me on Twitter and are a fellow mama. YOU are crazy. I love you.

This is also for those of you who haven’t hopped on the baby wagon just yet, but have an uncontrollable urge to read mommy blogs. Welcome, lurkers. I was once in your shoes just a few months ago. Say hello. I know you are there. I can see you in my stats for heaven’s sake.

………………

10:30 pm

This is the magic hour. If he eats now, then YAY. We will likely make it until the middle of the night until the next feeding. He is the type that falls asleep easily after he eats, so we don’t have to worry about swaddling and walking and soothing the little man. He gets milk drunk and then passes out.

So then I head off to bed and eventually Justin and Benton follow. We are co-sleeping at the moment. This was not planned or thought about much. It’s just feels right.

3 am

The Gruntasaurus is in full grunt mode. I sit on the side of the bed and feed him while checking Twitter, hoping that other mamas are awake. One night I saw a post that basically said that if you ever feel lonely during the early morning feedings, just think of the massive sea of women around the globe that are also up, simultaneously feeding their babies along with you.

After he is done eating, Justin wakes up and burps him while walking him to the changing station. Then the freshly diapered baby is nestled into the bed again and we sleep some more.

6:30 AM

Guess what? FEEDING. He awakes with some grunts as per usual. This is when he gets really cute and wide-eyed and looks like he is holding back a smile. His clogged tear duct has caused overnight eye crustaceans that he could care less about, but I am super grossed out with. Picking ensues. He’s super alert and ready for breakfast. With a wild shake of his head, he latches like a shark and eats like he has never had anything so tasty.

After his breakfast, we either hang out in the bed for some tummy time, or he goes to the living room with one of us until he falls asleep for a good morning nap. Yesterday, I came into the living room to find the men asleep on the couch all snuggly-like.

Daytime

For the first 5 weeks, he pretty much ate and slept. There would be short periods of alertness where we would oooh and awww at him and tell him he was a genius, but really he just wanted to sleep. Just in the last week he has been interested in being awake a bit more. His most favorite activity is gazing at our faces. Which is most convenient, since we pretty much just stare at him anyway.

It is like someone turned a light switch on in his head, because now he suddenly wants to know what is going on around him. He has shown his dad some smiles, and I have caught a fleeting grin as well. But most of the time he looks like he is in deep thought. Or like he is planning something epic.

He has a crazy strong neck, so I put him in the Bumbo yesterday. Cuteness ensued. Porpus approved.

Yes, that is Justin in the background drinking a coffee the size of his head.

Walks with dad around the apartment are pretty exciting. So many things to see for a new human. Mirrors are an especially exciting new curiosity.

When that gets old, there is always quite a bit of leg kicking to do. It is a top priority for the little man. He will push himself up to a standing position if you let him. Strong like bull.

The rest of the day is basically lunchtime in his opinion. And if it is a growth spurt week, then he will literally feed every hour. This is insane. Seriously, pure madness. If you haven’t had a baby yet, that is the one thing that will surely take you by surprise. They eat. ALL. THE. TIME.

Sometimes people come over to visit the little man. They give him gifts and tell him he is cute. He approves of such a thing.

Other times, grandma come over and has dance parties with him to Raffi and John McCutcheon. These are the same songs that she danced to with me when I was a wee baby. Grandma always brings food for her own baby who is now 27. This makes me think that the feeding thing is life long. LORDY.

If we are feeling really fancy, Benton gets into a baby wrap or sling and goes to the beach or out to dinner. He is an angel when he is being worn. If anyone hasn’t tried babywearing, I HIGHLY recommend it. I will do a full post on this a little later. It is amazing.

So that is pretty much it. We are going on our first pontoon ride within the next few days up in Wisconsin, so wish us luck. Great Grandma, Helen Benton Boley, will be meeting the little boy who has her maiden name as his first name. I hope they get some good gazing time in.

It is time to feed him again, so I have to go. Thanks for stalking!

Present

I’ve written about my problem with impatience many times. It’s one of life’s great struggles for me. Most of the time it is a terrible quality to have, as it mucks around with enjoying the present moment. Although sometimes it can be a good thing when I need to move something forward quickly.

In order to appreciate what I have at the moment, it often takes a conscious effort to remind me what I’ve already got in front of me. Frequent writing or photography will usually keep me mindful and reflective of what is here and now.

But for the first time in my life, I’m feeling effortlessly present.

Benton has made me realize how quickly time passes by. I am savoring each day I have with him when he is tiny. Why must he get big? Of course I am looking forward to his first laugh, his first reach for me, and a million other inevitable milestones. But with each new change, my heart aches. Because he is growing a thousand times faster than I can bear. The last month of my pregnancy ticked by slowly. Longest weeks of my life. But somehow the first few weeks of Benton’s life on the outside have gone by in the blink of an eye. It feels like he has been with us forever. And yet we just met.

I thought my impatience would  cause me to long for the newborn stage to be over, because of how difficult I envisioned it to be. Now I want to pause each second of the day, so it lasts a lifetime. So excuse me while I go snuggle my tiny 9 lb baby before we are into the double-digit weigh-ins. He is just three feet from behind me right now, and I miss him.

One Month: The Hard Stuff

I wrote a whole post last night and then decided to go to bed before it was really finished. Because I am tiiiiirrrred. Obviously. Anyone with a newborn is tired. I don’t really have much more to say on that topic because it is kind of given. Although somehow I am not as exhausted as I expected I would be. We are happy that he is a good sleeper. The only reason I am up at night is to feed him every 2-4 hours.

Which brings me to the next hard part:

Breastfeeding.

It’s more difficult than the labor and delivery were for me. And we aren’t even having any problems. Baby Benton is a good eater, and he latches well most of the time. I haven’t had the pain that many women experience. My supply is fine. Everything is working perfectly which I am extremely grateful for. But somehow it is still hard for me even though everything is working well. I admire any woman who has struggled through any of the issues listed here yet still perseveres through them to feed her baby. Because honestly? I am not sure I would have the will to continue.

I’m sure I will eventually get used to this new demand on my body, and I know that newborns feed more frequently than older babies. I am also glad I can provide a custom meal that is healthiest thing in the world for my little guy. And it’s a fabulous bonus that breastfeeding is cheap and there aren’t any dishes in the sink.

But people, it is HARD. He feeds ALL THE TIME. It takes more dedication than I ever imagined, and I’m just not loving it like many moms do.

Will that change? For those of you that have been there before, did your attitude about it shift over time? Did you grow to love the experience? I don’t hate it or anything, I guess I was expecting it to be more of an incredible bonding experience and less like a shark feeding frenzy. Am I alone here?

I want so badly to love it, but I can’t fake that.

So is there any other hard stuff worth noting? Nothing directly related to the baby I supposed. But there is my weight. I’m feeling so bad about my weight for the first time in my life. I’ve always been a thin to average girl, and now I am clearly overweight. I gained 60 lbs over the pregnancy.

SIXTY.

POUNDS.

GAH.

So, yeah. That sucks. I have already lost 26 of those pounds by doing nothing, and I am hoping the last half comes off with the help of some exercise and good eating. I plan to get serious after the 6wk post partum appointment.

My pelvis is also somewhat destroyed, and I need to get that fixed as well. I am still walking like a woman who is 46 months pregnant.

So to sum it up, I don’t even recognize my poor post partum body, and we are not friends. The goal is to be happy with myself again and regain some confidence about how I look. Because how I feel about myself physically is dreadful at best.

It is strange that I have never been more happy with my life as I am now, yet at the same time, I have never been so unhappy with my body.

So there you have it. My one month woes. Luckily the sunshine is way brighter than the clouds in my sky. I’ve got it pretty good. But it is safe to say that I need a little support  from those who have been there before. Please tell me the dark spots will brighten.

Thanks in advance for being there for a fat and wobbly new mama with a baby stuck to her boob.

And just so this isn’t all sad, here is a picture of a belly button with eyes.

One Month: The Good Stuff

I’ve thought of a million things to write in this post. Yet I sit here wondering where to start. I’m not going to try to fit all of the first month in one post. Today’s post will be about the good stuff. Tomorrow will be dedicated to the hard stuff.

But words really do not do this experience justice.

The Cute Stuff

The last 30 days have been seriously full of cute. My heart has burst a million times from cute overload. Every parent thinks their baby is the cutest, and I think this is the most wonderful built-in instinct. It certainly makes the hard stuff softer. Never have I felt softer skin. Never have I seen a more precious pout. I am longing for him to smile at me. And I am quite sure the first laugh will slay me dead.

Bursting

Speaking of heart bursts, my absolute favorite part of the last four weeks has been becoming a little family. We have been lucky. Although Justin was studying for the bar exam for the first two weeks of Benton’s life, the timing is such that he has been able to be home with us for the first month. And he doesn’t go back to work until the 23rd of August. I KNOW. Lucky. I know. This probably won’t happen when we have our next babies, so we are savoring the time we have now.

It is safe to say that Benton has had a pretty sweet 4th trimester thus far, and has literally been held and snuggled around the clock since both of us are on full-time baby duty. Justin has changed 99% of the diapers since I have been in charge of all the feeding. I KNOW. He really does half of the parenting, if not more some days. Plus, I needed to be taken care of as well in the early days. I knew he would be a good dad, but so far he has totally blown my expectations out of the water.

And if you overheard him talking to Benton from another room, your heart would burst too.

Easy

This is the part where you might hate me. Mayhaps I am jinxing myself by writing this. Because from what I can tell, Benton is an easy baby. He really is. We haven’t needed to use the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques that we read about and many new parents are raving about. He just isn’t fussy. If he is, it is because he is hungry. So I feed him. Not a difficult solve there. The child sleeps like crazy. He feeds like crazy. And he keeps his dad very busy on the diaper duty front. None of this is rocket science for us just yet.

We have taken him on adventures to the beach, restaurants, stores, the doctor, Justin’s office, a playdate,  and a family reunion. He has been a trooper through all of this. (I will say that he had a meltdown as we pulled onto our street last night after he spent 8 hours in the car in one day. But I kind of wanted to throw a tantrum as well, and I’m 27 years old.)

Parenthood

I have learned a lot this month. But my transition into being a mom has been smoother than I thought it would be. I was prepared for a hurricane and just got an afternoon rain shower. Don’t get me wrong–I know there is tough stuff to come. I’ll talk about some early challenges in the next post, but the good far outweighs the bad so far. In the coming months I will try to articulate my feelings on being a mom, but right now all I can say is that I have more love than I thought I was capable of.

And my baby fever? SOMEHOW IT IS WORSE. Seriously. I want more babies. I thought it would be lessened with a newborn around, but it has just been amplified. Maybe when he hits the toddler stage I will look back on this post and shake my head?

Now if you excuse me, I am going to go back to staring at my baby for hours on end.