Midsummer Night’s Dreamfeed Part 2: The Plan in Action

Taking notes in the middle of the night is an interesting process. You all are lucky that you don’t get an accidental text from me in the night that looks like:

“3:15 minor hugs in chest 4=39 roll fuss”

Bless my poor phone for keeping track of this sleep journey so I can type it coherently for you here.

If you read my previous post, you know our sleep history with Benton and that we are now doing a bit of training to make nights more restful for everyone. Especially meeee.

We have now completed stage one of the plan that I am predicting will work for us.  We are two days into stage two. Here is the nitty-gritty of how it went:

Stage ONe: Night One

Going into the plan, I was fairly nervous about how loud this would get, but I still felt confident in my decision to start night weaning. No turning back! I inform my Twitter mamas that I am embarking and much luck is wished. Virtual mama power is inhaled. Special concern was given to make sure B was well hydrated, fed, and nursed in the daytime. READY!

During stage one, I am allowed to nurse B to sleep, and when he wakes up. BUT I am not to let him fall asleep on the boob as he would prefer to do. He can also be comforted in any other way that I choose during this stage. He just must fall asleep without nursing.

• 8:00: B has been nursed to sleep while I lie next to him.
• 9:50: B wakes and I nurse him for a couple of minutes and then remove him. He cries while I pat and try to cuddle him. 10 minutes later he falls asleep holding my hand.
• 11:00: B wakes up, is nursed, removed. He yelps in protest, but rolls over and sleeps.
• 1:15: B wakes up, is nursed, removed. We do the cuddle cry routine for 4 minutes and he falls asleep.
• 2:00: B wakes up, is nursed, removed, sleeps without protest.
• 3:30: B wakes up, is nursed, removed, sleeps without protest.
• 4:40: B wakes up, is nursed, removed. Pathetic yelps for 10 seconds. Sleep. I am having a really hard time staying awake during nursing since I usually do most of this barely awake or dozing off.
• 5-6:20: Constant wake ups and fuss every 15-20min. I didn’t nurse during this because I started to worry about rewarding all the fuss and kept thinking he would stay asleep. Finally nursed him for breakfast.

Oy. Looking back, this was probably the worst night, but MUCH less crying than I expected. I was feeling positive that the next night would be better.

STAGE ONE: Night Two

• 7:45 B has been nursed to sleep.
• 11:45 B wakes up, is nursed. He seems hungry so I let him nurse a little longer than the night before. I remove after a bit and he shuffles around the bed to get comfortable on his own. He fusses twice, but puts up little protest.
• MYSTERY Wake up: This was my fault somehow and I don’t recall what happened. I think it was shortly after he went down and I accidentally woke him.
• 3:30 B wakes, nurses and goes back to sleep with no fuss. The peasants rejoice. I am thrilled to see the clock and become giddy.
• 5:30 The usual drill. NO FUSS!
• 6-6:30 Breakfast nursing in bed.

This was a great night for us and I was feeling like he was starting to understand that sleeping was more fun than waking up a million times. It’s worrrkinnng!?!?

STAGE ONE: Night Three

• 8:22: B had a late nap this day and went down later than usual. He was nursed to sleep.
• 3:00: FIRST WAKEUP. I freak out. Yay. This hasn’t happened since he was a tiny baby. Or ever. He is nursed, removed, then he sits and cries for 30 seconds. I cuddle him and he lies on me. He rolls to be on his own and holds my hand. More fuss but laying still. Then some shuffling. Dozed but woke up and fussed at a ten minutes later after restless sleeping. Finally asleep after more shuffling and a nursing session again at 3:50. Asleep by 4.
• 7-7:30 Breakfast in bed for B.

So that was the end of the first stage of the plan. I felt like we made a lot of progress, and would recommend it to co-sleepers with older babies or toddlers who don’t want to night wean, but would like to nurse less in the night. 

STAGE TWO: Night One

At this point, although I know he can fall asleep on his own now, and will likely wake up less, I am still nervous about how he will deal with no nursing. I have trouble falling asleep because I am anxious about the first wake up.

• 8:00-8:25 Nurse to sleep.
• 11:26: Wake up. Cry. Cuddle. Sleep within 7 minutes.
• 11:55: Roll off (floor) bed onto pillow. WTF? This has never happened. He is repositioned into the center of the bed and he is asleep within 2 minutes of cuddle cry.
• THEN A HUGE STORM HITS. I don’t sleep at all. B sleeps through. I am super annoyed and edgy.
• 1:50 B wakes and shuffles around and fuss cries. Asleep within 10 minutes.
• 2:45-4:00 Constant shuffling, dozing, cuddling, fussing, repeat. I still haven’t slept.
• 7-7:30 Breakfast in bed for B. I have slept from 4-7. Dumb.

This wasn’t as bad as expected, and it is the longest he has ever gone without nursing. For me? Being a light sleeper really sucked that night. The storm ruined me.

Stage two: Night Two

I went to sleep feeling like it would be easier than the night before. No storms on the horizon. We had a really long day of with lots of social activities, so I expected him to be pretty tired from all that. (As I am typing this, he is napping. He woke up and fussed for a couple of seconds and went back to sleep !!!!!!!!! Exclamation points are warranted, folks.)

• 8:20-8:50 Nursed to sleep. He went to bed late because we were at a friend’s condo eating cake pops and such.
• 1:35-1:40: B wakes up and has a 2 minute cry. I lay my hand on his chest and hum baby beluga. He sleeps.
• 3:15: B wakes up, lies on me. Rolls off and falls asleep. Minor fuss.
• 4:30: Wakes up and shuffles around. Some fussing. Sleeps.
• 7:30-8:00: Breakfast in bed. Later wake up than normal. Yay.

This was a great night.

So we will continue down this path. The plan is gentle on me and Benton, and my mama guilt hasn’t shown up at all. During the next stage, I am not allowed to pick him up, which I haven’t been doing anyway. So I guess eventually he will minimize the wake-ups and–GASP–possibly maybe Sleep Through The Night? I will let you know how we are doing. I feel great about all this so far.

More

I recently taught Benton how to sign “more” and “all-done” to avoid grunting and screaming in the high chair. I haven’t gotten much further than that, but he picked up the signs in a few days and has been doing well. When he signs “more” for a game that we are playing or wrestling with dad, that is when I  pretty much die.

This post wasn’t supposed to be about signing, but whenever I hear the word “more” I picture B’s little fingers touching with an expectant look on his face. And then I lose my train of thought. You know when you read the same paragraph over and over again in a book, because your mind wanders elsewhere? This is much of my day.

More. The past year has been more everything. More happiness than I could imagine. More loneliness than I could have predicted. More worry than I would have liked. More victory than I expected. I have more love to give than I thought possible. More patience than ever before. More uncertainty than I’d hoped. More laundry. More mess. More work. More reward. More tired. More play. The good days are that much better. The bad days are that much worse. Everything is exponential.

I saw someone post on a new mother’s Facebook wall that she will “loooove being a moommmmy soooo much <3<3<3!!!!” I admire her friend’s enthusiasm. I too, love being a mom. But, that wall post only tells part of the story. I keep seeing it in my mind and it has started to irk me. Will this new mom feel sad when she isn’t loving every minute of her new life? Should she feel guilty for not loving each and every aspect of motherhood? Newborns are wonderful, but also such a mystery. In the heat of frustration, I hope she doesn’t feel like a failure if she isn’t loving being a mommy right at that second.

Maybe I am over thinking this harmless comment. I guess I don’t like when motherhood is portrayed so simply. Wrapped up in a neat happy package that and handed to a woman like:  “HERE! LOoooove it!” It doesn’t work that way for most people, and it perpetuates expectations that are impossible to live up to.

Yes, I am a happy mom. But if I stop there, then I am selling myself and every other mom (or mom-to-be someday) short. I am also a ____ mom. Fill in the blank with nearly any other emotion you can think of and multiply it by a million.

The exponential aspect of being a parent continues to fascinate me. My heart is certainly in new territory from so much swelling. I feel stronger and ready for more. 😉

Sorry about the winking emoticon. I have recently come to love it. “Doesn’t it scream, We are in this together and it’s all OK?” I like that sentiment.

Midsummer Night’s Dreamfeed: Part One

I haven’t written much about Benton’s sleeping habits in the last year. The reason for this is because I find the question “Does he sleep through the night?” eternally irritating. But it is understandably common. The only reason I am writing this now is because someone out there may relate to our scenario and find our experience helpful.

For those of you who really don’t want to read a long drawn-out post about baby sleep, I totally understand. Come back in a week or so. Bye for now!

The HISTORY:

Everyone look at our beautiful nursery with this lovely crib:

Isn’t it lovely? It makes me laugh. SO MUCH LAUGHING. We didn’t use it beyond changing diapers. So.

When we brought little Benton home from the hospital, we had a bassinet-type thing set up in our bedroom for him to sleep in for his first 3 months or so. Like most first-time parents, we knew very little about what our newborn would be like as far as sleeping goes. Actually, I’m sure there are parents of multiple children that still have no clue what their new baby will like in the sleep department. They are all very different. That being said, I am not going to pass judgement or tell you what method YOU. SHOULD. USE! That is clearly silly.

We didn’t read many books or articles about any sleeping methods early on. I don’t think I knew the acronyms STTN, CIO or even what co-sleeping was. All I knew was that we had a tiny human that was used to living inside me, and was now supposed to live on the outside. He was just getting used to the world, and seemed most happy when being held by mama or daddy. He also was used to being fed 24 hours a day when he was growing in my belly, so learning to only eat part of the day was also a big deal I’m sure.

During the first night of sleep, we brought him into our bed because newborns are the most snuggly thing I can think of, and we wanted to love on him all the time. The bassinet suddenly seemed far away, even at the end of the bed. We may have tried the bassinet a few times, but I just didn’t sleep well if he wasn’t next to me.

If I needed to check on him, I could simply open my eyes and not lift another muscle of my recovering body. If I needed to feed him, he was right there, no need to get up awkwardly trip over our cats in the night. I feel back asleep much easier after each nursing session than I would have if I had to go sit in a recliner. Eventually, we both learned to sleep through the nursing sessions. This is just what felt right. And it was also super easy.

He was a “good” sleeper. Months 0-4 I got stretches of 6 hours without much interruption. Things were good. Even now, I can count the times that he has woke up in the middle of the night for anything other than nursing. He is not the type to just sit up and expect nighttime entertainment. We are so lucky there.

Month 4 hit and he went through a sort of awakening. He no longer acted like a fetus baby and was much more aware of his surroundings. Everything seemed to reset, and we were hit with the 4 month sleep regression that some babies go through. This was also the time when the queen bed seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, and the crib was looking good. Talk about the dumbest time to try to transfer Benton to a crib. Ahh, well. Needless to say, the crib transition failed for us.

Month 5-12 have been OK. We now sleep in a king bed, which was a total game-changer. For months, B has had access to nighttime nursing and dreamfeeds whenever he wanted. This works for me because I can doze through them and I don’t really feel exhausted during the day. B is comforted during the night and doesn’t fuss or cry.

Present day? This is not working for me anymore. I have become a ridiculously light sleeper in order to respond to B’s nighttime needs. Everything wakes me up and it is often hard to get back to sleep in between the hours or 3-4 for some reason. Then from the hours of 4-7, he is restless and seems to need to be latched on the entire time. So I am basically awake at 3 a.m. Um, not working. Benton needs an alert caregiver in the day, and I need brain cells and sanity.

CURRENTLY:

Enter the idea of night weaning. I have thought about this for a few months, but only now am really comfortable with implementing it. He is eating a lot of solids and drinking a combo of whole milk from sippy cups while still nursing a few times a day. He is learning things very quickly and can understand basic concepts more easily than a young baby can. There is also a clear difference between a whiney cry and a painful cry. I feel like the nighttime nursing is more of a pacifier than nutritional at this point.

However, I am not discounting the importance of nighttime comfort for a baby/toddler, but it would be nice to teach him to rest easy without my boob in his mouth. I have been the solo-nighttime parent for more than a year now. At this point, it would be nice to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. Or it would be great if I could put him to sleep and possibly leave the house once and awhile after he is asleep. Right now I am still tethered to bedtime and nighttime if I don’t want B to go into hysterics and leave Justin or a sitter with zero tools to comfort a screaming overtired toddler. Not to mention, the stress of leaving him far outweighs any benefit of me getting out of the house for social interaction.

Someone sent me this article awhile ago about night weaning for co-sleepers. I read it and it made sense to my mama heart and mind.

So far it is going really well, although the hardest part may be yet to come. I am taking notes on each night to keep track of how it is working. The next couple posts I will share our (hopeful) progress.

Whiiiiiine

Typity tap. I have nothing in mind, but I am typing. This is great news! Yet also terrible news for you readers.

Because, dribble.

And I don’t feel well, so can I lay next to you and drink sprite while you pat my hair? Thanks.

I’ve not been sick in a really long time. Right now, I am feeling increasingly sick as I type each word. I think I may have an ear infection, so I put some olive oil in my ear because that is what I learned to do from twitter. This is slightly better than medical advice from google. I also don’t really have a primary care physician because I just don’t right now.

Pre-motherhood, I wouldn’t have really mind a sick day (as long as vomit isn’t involved). I could take a PTO day and lay on the couch, watch terrible daytime television and nap. I could take care of myself properly and drink the recommended fluids without a tiny toddler arm plunging elbow-deep into my coffee table beverage. I could rest. REALLY rest. Needless to say, there are no sick days for me. I simply can’t get sick. CANNOT.

Hmmm, this is not the first post I wanted to right about SAHMdom upon my return to the blog because it sounds super whiney, and I’m generally a whine hater. But since this is already a downer, I would just like to bitch about having no PTO days in general. Can we form a union or something? Join a commune? I love taking care of this little person all day, every day. But seriously. Worker’s rights, yo.

This has nothing to do with what I just wrote, but how awesome are yards? We went to one today at our friend Erica's house in the burbs and it was lovely. Our commune would have a sweet yard. The well people would play and the sick people would rest indoors.

 

As I Was Saying

to just pick up in the middle of a sentence like I never stopped blogging. Right?

So.

I have a TODDLER.

A toddler who turned ONE last Sunday.

See, look. Obligatory cake picture:

He actually wasn’t as into the cake as I had hoped, but he will learn its goodness in time. What is he into?

BALLS. Bawwls. Balls? BAlls.

Can you see his little mouth all puckered and ready to blurt out “BAHWALL!” for the 892,347th time that day? He likes to say it a lot.

In fact, he thought it would be neat to wake us up at 5:45 a.m. saying “BALllll.” He sits up in bed like he’s just heard a burglar that just must be robbing him of his balls. Alert. He is immediately aware there are balls in the house that he must have. One happened to be in proximity to the bed, so he immediately decided we should have it IN the bed. “BALL.” So he threw it at us in true toddler-dodge-ball fashion. A joy and a delight. But a bit eaarrrrly. 

Our first few weeks of toddlerhood have been an explosion of NEW. He can understand what I am saying to him. He hugs me. He signs a few words that I JUST started teaching him. He squeals and runs to his DADA when he arrives home. There are so many sparks that I can see firing off in his little person mind, and it is exciting to watch.

How am I doing? In one sentence? I’m doing pretty well. Although, clearly, that could be expanded upon. More words are needed. More words, more words. I will write them here.

Sweet Porpus

Goodbye, sweetest friend. I promise not to remember you as the sickly kitty you have become. You would not approve.

I will remember you as the fiery lady you always were.

Fiercely loving. Passionately cuddly. A brilliant nanny. The best “oh my god you are home” door greeter that a feline could be. A friend to Schween. Superfan of the sun. Adoring of your dad. Smart as a whip. Sweet and soft. Fat. Happy.

Thanks for being my first baby. I will love you always. I know you will find the sunniest spot to rest on your porch in the sky.

Goodbye, sweet girl. Mama misses you already.

Rapid Fire

Back when I was growing a human in my belly, I remember hitting a few points during the pregnancy where I felt like time stood still. I just knew like I was going to be exactly that pregnant until the end of time. Then I blinked and BAM. MywaterbrokeomgBABYHERE. Time clearly didn’t freeze like I had imagined.

Now, as a parent, I will get a similar notion. I’ll have a handle on the stage that Benton is going through. I’ve figured it all out! Everything falls into place and I know what I am doing. How easy is that? He will stay in this exact stage forever. And then BAM. He is a new boy within a few weeks.

He has been cruising furniture for about a month now. And he is fast. This afternoon, it occurred to me that I bought a ridiculous ugly walker thing for him awhile back. Maybe he can use it?

I hauled it out of the closet and introduced him to it in the living room. He inspected it, realized it rolled, and tried to pull up to standing. Since it moves VERY FAST, he kind of dragged behind it. I expected as much.

So, I assisted him by slowing its speed as he walked behind it. Carefully spotting the wobbly boy. We went back and forth across the room 3 times. He furrows his brow in concentration and sticks his tongue out slightly when he is trying something new, and I adore it. As I was giving him the walker tutorial, I planned our future weeks of mama/baby walker training with this new toy. Teaching is fun! He is like…a real little human or something. I figured it would take a while for him to fully grasp this ridiculous walker contraption.

THEN I BLINKED.

He learned the ding dang thing in 10 minutes. The mind of a 10 month old is astounding. Everyone told me that babies were like sponges, but I am seeing this first hand on a daily basis.

Things are getting exciting.

Pleasantries

Spring is busting out all over. I have almost forgiven Chicago for such a long winter. She takes my breath away when she is in full bloom.

I celebrated my first Mother’s Day with my little family in the sun. It was perfect. All the iPhone photos we took depicted the most amazing spring outing together. Everything all in a row and lovely. It was.

Even though it all seems like a fairytale life, I don’t want to project that image all the time. I don’t mean to say that life isn’t good, because it is. It appears especially good on the surface. On paper. In photos. In this blog. But there is certainly a balance.

Staying home and watching Benton turn from a baby into a kid before my eyes is a blessing. It’s truly the best job I have had, even though I am never off the clock. I am capable of feeling more love and joy than I could have ever imagined. I feel lucky. I do. This is why I don’t like to voice my sorrows or struggles. It makes me appear ungrateful.

I hate being a complainer, especially when I have it so “good.” But I give 125% of myself everyday, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t like asking for help, even though I could use it. I hate to admit that I can’t do it all and my perfectionism is often a curse.

I don’t like admitting that I have been struggling with anxiety in the middle of the night. That I have conversations in my head in the early morning hours that would not be considered remotely pleasant. That I worry about things in the dark that would never be given a second thought in the light of day. That I often feel alone, even when I am never actually by myself.

I have started talking about these things with other moms who have been through similar things. It is helping. If you are one of the ladies I have been conversing with on this subject, thank you so much. It means the world to me.

Here

We moved! We survived.

We got to sit in one of the new parks. With warm legs and bare feet.

We watched the big kids play. There are so many kids in this hood. It still seems odd to me. In a good way.

We have been exploring. We have been eating (not pictured, but much enjoyed.)

But mostly? We have been looking for spring. Have you seen her? Can you send her by my place if you have? She does wonders for my mood. These photos were taken on the rare warm days we have had. Actually, I think there have been two so far. It has been the cloudiest April on the books and one of the rainiest. Sad trombone.

I have also felt a bit disconnected from my online life since we moved. Baby mobility and home change coincided. Benton is everywhere! It is amazing and exhausting and cute and dangerous. I have to keep my eye on him at all times, so that means less time for…anything else. I love this new phase, but it also means that naptimes have been consumed by organizing and cleaning, since it is difficult to do this things when he is awake. We are just now settled enough for me to feel like I can write again while he is dreaming. So that is the plan anyway.

Apologies for being out of the loop. What did I miss?

The Fine Art of Procrastination

I have been doing it for 27 years.

The best thing about procrastination is that I get other random or weird tasks done that I would not normally get think to do. Although the big task remains on the back burner (packing for our move NEXT WEEK), the house is very clean.

Why?

Because how could I possibly pack when the stove needs to be cleaned?

Oh, and look at how the floor under the high chair could use a vinegar scrub.

You know what? Let me just magic eraser the shower door and then I will pack something.

Oh, my masthead really needs a redesign.

The list goes on.